Pay the Rent

I haven’t written in a couple of years, not because I didn’t have time; I just didn’t. This is not a search for advice, pity, or even approval. Just a new start. I was working hard to use my PD to try and help others thinking in some way that it may help me fight my own progression better. It didn’t. Faith didn’t help. Friends and family who supported me didn’t Help. I made some pretty different choices, started drinking heavily, distancing myself from others, not taking my meds regularly, giving up gym time and taking care of myself, damaging and even destroying relationships with friends and family that probably won’t ever be repaired, speaking inappropriately to others, and living in a self-centered way that only allowed me to care about me; here is a bigger admission: I am still fighting it. I battle heavy depression, periods of euphoric highs, watch this disease continue to advance, face each day without much regard to whether or not I have another; I realistically don’t care either way most days. I know that I will lose this fight one day. I understand the place that people like Robin Williams reached; the future is bleak, and to lose yourself is a terrible place to be; you become apathetic. Those are simply statements of who the person behind the smiles and jokes about being Slim Shaky and being the loud and funny guy at parties is.

A lot of good things have happened. I went back to work at the wood products company I worked with before and have been given the opportunity to be a highly successful Operations Manager. My son has become engaged. My daughter and her husband are doing well; being a dad is great. Grand kids are growing up healthy. I am part of an amazing motorcycle club that I worked hard to become a part of and experience a brotherhood that you could never understand unless you were part of it. I have an awesome motorcycle and I still survive each day as best I can. I have some new killer tattoos as well. I have committed to getting back to the gym and eat better to lose some unhealthy weight I have gained. I find new reasons each day to go one more day in this fight. Now, I think I will write again. Some folks were encouraged by my words. It did heal me at times to know that.

Keep in mind, I am nobody special; everyone has something they carry, internal struggles that affect their very souls. In the last couple of months though, I have realized that success, living each day, making it to the next, in the midst of the hardest struggles, that is life. It is one day at a time; one step after the other, and we owe it to ourselves to live each of those days. One of my favorite new tattoos is a quote: “Success is never owned, it is rented and the rent is due every day.” You owe it to yourself to pay that rent each day. Thanks, if you are reading this, and I hope it helps at least one who does read it. Until the next time. – JC